Harry Hawkins- The best man. Corporate Manager of Micro-Loft. Over the top salesman type. Ruthless. Phony Baloney. Wears a bad toupee. Has been the object of Willamina's flirtations for quite some time. He's Wally's boss at Micro-Loft.
Wally Schwabs- Geeky groom. Quite pleasant, but clueless. Anal retentive. PC guy. Works in technical support at Micro-Loft . Met Willamina here. Code Monkey. Stutters, but only around Willamina. He might resemble John Hodgman.
Willamina Phates- The not-so-blushing bride. She's been around the block. Driven by a personal agenda in everything. Shallow and narcissistic. Eventual heir to the Micro-Loft empire. Lives on a substantial yearly allowance from her father. Everything else is in a trust fund which she cannot access. She is quite resentful of the fact that her father has dedicated much of his legacy to a charitable foundation.
Phil Phates- Willamina's father. Owner of Micro-Loft. Quite nerdy but essentially well intentioned. Nasal. Brilliant, but detached. Philanthropic to the chagrin of Willamina and Harry.
Cherry Arbor Phates- Phil's third wife. Sex addict with a drinking problem. Former hooker, "reformed" by Reverend Abel Package of the Wild Turkey Reformed Ministry. Second in line to the Micro-Loft fortune.
Steve Schwabs- Wally's father. Cool, confident, creative and self-assured. Global. Quite the opposite of his son. Disappointed in the limitations Wally has placed upon himself. Suspicious of Willamina. Jeans, turtleneck, white earbuds. Shirley Schwabs- Wally's mother. The epitome of an overprotective mom. Tends to speak in baby-talk. Open disdain for Willamina.
John Appleseed- Groomsman. Wally's friend since childhood. Double dated to the prom. Totally cool. Recent graduate of the Hoboken School of Detective Arts. Might resemble Justin Long.
Sheila Shalotsky - Maid of Honor. Scheming, conniving, self-absorbed biatch (but a cheerful, outgoing personality.) Historically "used" by Willamina. Outwardly loyal, she is in reality, quite jealous of Willamina's long-term prospectus.
Julie Twirler - Geek/Bridesmaid. Wally's friend and co-worker in tech-support. Willamina reluctantly agreed to Wally's request that Julie be included in the wedding party, after Willamina's college roommate, Muffy, bailed, due to rehab restrictions.
The Right Reverend Abel Package - Pastor and CEO of The Wild Turkey Reformed Ministry. Specializing in righteous counseling on a personal, one-to-one basis. Rev. Abel has been retained to perform the wedding ceremony. His ministry is a direct beneficiary of the Phates Philanthropic Phoundation.